First Day

Wow. I'm sitting here on my couch with big puffy eyes. Its 11am and my tv is off. The house is empty and my heart is broken.

Here comes the tears again.

I remember in Sept of 04 when I was forced to quit work due to health reasons. I told everyone that I'd be back after Darcy was born. I laughed when a friend told me I'd change my mind. Darcy was born on Nov 16th and I've been a stay at home mom since that day.

Today I woke up my boys and told them it was time to go to school. They were thrilled. Their eyes were still squinty as they came down the stairs. They were so excited when I was packing up their lunch and snacks. They couldn't wait to put on their book bags. I stuff Jeremiah's blue blanket in his back pack. And at one point I saw him laying on the couch with just enough blanket out of the back pack for him to put it in his mouth. He was content. I was started to break down.

Darcy woke up in not such a good mood. Matthew had decided to go in late so he could go with me to take them. Darcy was very clingy. We fought with her all morning. I tried really hard to make it a happy day for them all so things would start off well. Didn't go so well with her.

We got to the school and she insisted on Matthew carrying her. We took the boys first. They went straight in and never looked back. Ms. Shelia was directing them where to put their stuff. They were so excited.

Next we took Darcy down to her room. She didn't want Matthew to put her down. She held on tight to him and her blankey. Finally we got her feet to touch the floor but she didn't want us to leave yet. I was fighting back tears and so was she. Finally I knew I had to leave or else I'd break down. The teacher took her by the hand and asked her if she could be her helper. She went peacefully.

We sat outside their rooms for a good bit. We'd randomly ask people to stick their heads in the door and check on our kids. Each time they'd say "oh they're fine!" Finally I made myself leave. I really think I could have stayed there all day.

I came home and sat on the couch. I haven't moved. I haven't turned on the TV yet. A few close friends have called to check on me. I cried for 2 solid hours. I'm okay now. My eyes are puffy and my head hurts. I made myself an eye appointment and a dentist appointment. Both times I cried when they asked me when I could come. I told them anytime b/c my babies were all in school and I had nothing to do anymore. They were compassionate.

Maybe tomorrow will be better for Darcy. I hope my kids all come home excited. And eventually I will fill my days with productive things to do. But today I'll just sit here and cry.